“Big” and “family” are two words that have always gone together for Gabe Tiogangco and Jeff Fox, so adopting two children - not once - but twice was not that big a deal.

Both are from large families. Jeff, 58, is the oldest of five children, and Gabe, 56, is the eleventh of 19 children. So it wasn't that unusual that during their “first date” Jeff invited Gabe to his house to meet his newly-adopted son, Sam (Samrach).

Jeff remembers taking care of children since he was 7 years old, so when Cambodia opened adoption up to single males in 1989, “I was in right away,” Jeff remembers. Upon arrival, Jeff knew he wanted a slightly older child (“because older kids are not going to get adopted, so you can make an immediate difference,”) and a boy (“a teenage girl scared me”).

While meeting with the head mistress of the school to decide which child would be the right fit, a youngster bounded up and asked in his native language ”Look at my homework.” Jeff was impressed with this studious and forthright child and in January of 1992, Sam came into Jeff’s life.

"Gabe and Sam bonded immediately,” Jeff says, recalling how quickly Sam took to Gabe, his new school in Makiki, and to learning both English and a little Hawaiian.

But Jeff wanted Sam to have a brother and began the process of adopting a second son. In January of 1995, John (Yan) joined the clan. Raising two sons in a same-sex-headed household in the 1990s had its challenges. Gabe and Jeff recall classmates asking Sam “are they (Gabe and Jeff) gay?” and Sam’s delightful response: “Ask them yourself!”

“There’s strong homophobia in public schools,” Jeff maintains. “It’s surprising how far we have come, but with any kids, [being gay] is still a put down.”

Gabe also remembers a time when he could tell that the boys were “twisting for words” when asked by other children who the two men were. Gabe told the boys that if they were more comfortable calling him “uncle,” they could. John quickly asserted, "No, I have two dads."

The two boys grew up into young men who 'love us unconditionally' Gabe and Jeff report. Sam and John continue their education and professional development in Hawaii, but as the boys got older Gabe and Jeff were beginning to feel like they had an empty nest.

Then Gabe went to a family function and saw his pregnant niece high on crystal meth.

While Gabe asked relatives and Child Protection Services (CPS) what was being done to protect the children and help his niece, he got a call that his niece had given birth to premature twins ... a two-pound son, Darion, and a one-and-a-half-pound daughter, Leimomi, who needed to be medivacked from the Big Island to Kapiolani Medical Center.

Gabe learned that the children were going to be taken from the mother by CPS and immediately began the process to provide a home for the struggling infants as foster parents. Darion - after a month of incubation - was released the Friday after Thanksgiving ... weighing a full four pounds. Leimomi was released two months later, coming home with a heart monitor and oxygen tank.

“They needed care 24/7,” Gabe remembers. “There was no book to follow on how to care for these children. Feeding every two hours...we went with our parental instinct ... it just flowed.”

Gabe believes his adoption approval was a combination of good timing and being a blood relative of the twins.

"The day before the court-scheduled hearing to finalize the adoption, a court representative came to our home to observe and assess the situation," Gabe recalls. "Upon his arrival, we were taken aback when he asked for the lady of the house. The look on his face when we replied that there wasn't a lady of the house left all of us momentarily speechless. But when I mentioned that I was a relative of the children, he quickly readjusted his thinking and realized that we were what the state calls an 'in-house' adoption. The purpose of the adoption is to keep the children that are being placed with blood relatives. It didn't matter if you're single or married."

"Gay adoptions are not recognized by the state,"Gabe continues. "In our case, there may have been informal recognition that we were gay, but we skirted the law rather than being an acknowledged exception."

The twins - now legally Gabe’s - are doing well.

“Since we can’t get married, his are his and mine are mine,” Jeff explains. “United Airlines - Gabe’s former employer - recognized and offered domestic partnership benefits for me, but it excluded my two sons.”

“Denying us the freedom to marry punishes us by depriving us of critical - tangible as well as intangible - protections and responsibilities in virtually every area of our lives. From raising kids and building a life together to retirement, death, and inheritance benefits,” Gabe explains. “We had to become trustees because if one of us dies, what happens? We have to go through so much 'monkey business' to get there.”

Jeff and Gabe are both active members at Church of the Crossroads where they say members are supportive of the gay marriage issue. They both teach Sunday school and Gabe is the Christian Education Coordinator.

Asked how he would respond to Christian fundamentalists questioning their family, Jeff says, "Live a day in our house. I never thought that I would have four kids and four dogs. We are like everyone else."

Both men are hopeful for their children’s generations. “We take pride in our family and what we have achieved," Gabe says. "We would like to live our life in love ... openly, honestly and publicly.” •