Note: In the butch/femme community, "hy" and "hys" are chosen pronouns.

Laura Belding and Stanley Schofield know all too well the pain of alienation, homelessness, hunger and the lack of opportunity for young people. It's the memories of painful past experiences that now drive their lives, and both have dedicated themselves - in their lives and in their work at a transitional living program - to helping homeless and at-risk youth.

Stanley has struggled since hy was born a DES Daughter, a term used for biological women whose mothers took diethylstilbestrol (DES), a medication common at the time for women who had difficulties with pregnancy.

Although Stanley believes the drug companies are silencing or preventing research on the long-term effects of DES, some studies now link the drug to infertility and cancer. Stanley, however, has noticed “many masculinized females” in hys generation and many DES Sons who have transitioned from men to women.

“When I was 12, I was growing facial hair,” Stanley says. “She took me to the doctor. She never knew what to do with me. She just didn’t understand my dream of wanting a mini-bike, and the Barbies that lay untouched while I was playing with trucks. They put me on birth control at 13 to ‘counter-balance’ my masculinity. They gave me even more estrogen to feminize me."

Stanley's Irish Roman Catholic mother never accepted her “daughter,” and after surviving sexual abuse, Stanley fled to the streets of Los Angeles.

“Was I created?” Stanley asks. “I don’t know. Is it nature or nurture that forms sexual identity and orientation? I don’t know. All I know is that I had a crush on my kindergarten teacher - Miss Stone - and have never been attracted to the male gender except to emulate them.”

Laura remembers a good upbringing - until she came out as what she thought was a lesbian.

“Due to their religious beliefs, my family stopped talking to me and disowned me for six years,” she says. “I’m allowed to go to weddings and funerals now. It’s superficial ... we talk about the weather. They are really stuck in ‘love the sinner but hate the sin.’ I really would just like to have a real relationship. It’s polite and respectful, but distant. It’s the best we can do and I’m satisfied and fine with it versus years of pain and heartache.”

Laura, too, experienced homelessness and now credits a social worker who deeply impacted her life and helped make it possible for her to return to school.

Although both were abandoned by their families for being “lesbian,” both have also felt unwelcome in the lesbian community.

“I tried to do the women’s thing, but they showed me the door,” Laura says regarding joining a “lesbian commune” in California. “I thought I had found family. They all ganged up on me. They said they were uncomfortable with me wearing lipstick, heels and dresses. They didn’t like that I only dated butches because ‘butches want to be men.’ They told me 'you can’t label yourself a lesbian and live with us. We are women who love women.’ It was devastating to me.”

She remembers looking at the wharf at the Santa Monica pier, questioning life.

“I then realized that when I looked in the mirror, I don’t see a woman or femininity," Laura says. "I see a collection of things that are feminine. Is my gender what I see or what everyone else sees? I was suicidal - depressed. Once I accepted who I was, I was fine. I was heart-broken because I lost my family of choice, but I’m glad they did kick me out because it forced me to accept myself.”

“Lesbians, as a political group, have a difficult time with the femme/butch community because they see us as emulating heterosexuals,” Stanley explains. “Masculine does not equal male. Feminine does not equal female. We are a blend of several traits and that’s the problem with today’s gender scale."

Both Laura and Stanley now identify in trans space.

“We don’t identify as man or woman, but gender-middle space,” Stanley explains.

"When we are born, we are handed a pink or blue blanket when I needed a lavender or yellow blanket. If we are going to think in the binary, we are limiting ourselves as human beings. Nature provides a full spectrum of gender expression from the male seahorses who carry the young to the colony of lesbian seagulls on the coast of California to the bird wrasse (a fish that changes gender according to the needs of the colony). I’ve watched one transition from a male to a female.”

Stanley did reconcile with hys father before he died. But hy never reconciled with hys mother or brothers.

One of Stanley's brothers played for John Wooden and with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar during UCLA’s historic run of national titles, and then went on to found European basketball clubs.

Despite this fame and fortune, Stanley says that hys brothers worked to gain power of attorney over the family estate, convincing their mother that Stanley had stolen the mother’s money, and disinheriting Stanley. Stanley was not invited to the funeral.

“I prefer my chosen family if I’m going to call someone my brother,” Stanley says. “I wouldn’t let anyone I loved or even liked in the same room with them.”

The prospect of estranged family members sweeping in while lying on death’s door frightens Laura.

“It’s terrifying for me as a social worker,” Laura explains. “I’ve seen gay couples in and out of the hospital denied access because parents who haven’t been involved in their lives for years come in and the hospital goes with the family system and calls security to escort them (the life partner) out.”

Laura and Stanley have visited with an attorney about drafting legal protections. Laura asked the attorney what type of guarantees the current legal paperwork could offer.

“I was told ‘none’ if the hospital administrator decides to go with the family system rather than the legal documents,” says Laura, exasperated. “That’s terrifying to me. I asked if I paid the extra money and I wanted more of a guarantee, and he said it all depends on who the hospital administrator is and how powerful the family is. What’s to stop one of hys siblings from coming in and deciding what happens to Stan?”

Stanley chortles, “if my siblings think I have a dime, they’ll be here in a heartbeat. We’d have to move around and move around to hide the money and hire armed guards to protect ourselves.”

Marriage “is a social justice issue,” Laura maintains. “It saddens me when people make it about the tuxedo or white dress or religion. For me, it’s about what’s going to happen to me when I’m in the hospital. Are these people who haven’t been in my life for 25 years going to be able to come in?”

They both shake their heads at the prospect and at some people’s willingness to deny them what they consider a civil right.

“Religious people are baffling to me because they profess to represent the love of Jesus and if you read the Bible, then you can’t ratify what they are professing,” Stanley says. “He talked love and peace and hung out with Mary Magdalene, prostitutes, and outcasts. He never judged anyone."

“The persecuted have become the persecutors,” Stanley continues. “Remember Nero and Rome? It was illegal to be Christian. They had to practice in the catacombs. And talking about the Bible, I can show you where it’s legal to rape women, own slaves, and abuse slave girls. If you really want to follow the text of the Bible, be very careful. Rape was legal. Lot offered his daughters to be raped by the men of Sodom. Gang rape is OK? That’s rape, not homosexuality.”

“If Stanley and I getting married is going to threaten your marriage,” Laura concludes, “then your marriage was in trouble way before we even met.” •